dilemma I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been in a 10 year relationship with someone I love so much and thought I’d grow up with. We recently started getting IUI with the help of donor sperm (we are lesbians) and then my partner left me a couple of days before our first vaccination. I She found out that she was in an affair with a mutual friend. I’m back for a WhileAnd we had a lot of love and intimacy, but then she left.
I was on my way Three weeks in our clinic, And I feel so sad and I can’t give up on what I thought would be our baby. Also there doesn’t seem to be language to it because lesbian infertility treatment isn’t really ‘talked about’ in the community, so I’m fighting So to name what happened to me.
Me too I understand that affairs are a symptom of bigger problems, and I want to have my share of breaking down Our communication has completely broken down because my partner is now saying that she doesn’t really want our baby.
I now realize that my partner has slowly quit during the two years of planning (We chose names, schools, places to live, we saved money, We talked about how and when to have our second child) And while I was trying to talk to her at first, she stopped me so much that in the end I was getting angry And you need some kind of connection, even if it’s negative – like a little kid I guess.
How the hell am I supposed to process and accept all of this, and how am I supposed to move on and be okay? I can’t get past the feeling of failure and great dysfunction, which doesn’t make sense, I know, but I feel good I’m also not sure I should go after motherhood on my own. Am I enough for my child? It’s a very punishing feeling. so lonely
Philippa’s answer I am so glad you contacted us. You have to listen. Your partner seems to love you, but her body tells her that she doesn’t want children. They loved each other but wanted different things. You want a baby so badly that you don’t want to take her withdrawal as a sign that she doesn’t want it. You’re right: Romantic relationships are often related to problems in a person’s primary relationship. Their relationship feels like it’s not about running away from you, but about running away from parenthood.
Of course you are devastated. I lost her and I lost the dream of being a father to her. It sounds like you were right with each other in many ways, except that your dreams for your future were different. She had a hard time telling you, maybe she was having a hard time telling herself – well, now I told you. She may have a conflict phobia, which makes it difficult for her to bring up difficult issues. You have a lot of ideas about what happened and why, but that doesn’t stop the pain you’re going through right now, which seems to have been exacerbated by the shame.
You know scientifically that you have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not a failure, it’s something that happened to you, but that doesn’t stop the feelings. It’s like bereavement. You suffer a loss. When someone leaves us through divorce or death, it can feel as if we are losing the part of us that we were when we were together. This large hole inside of us can feel like an open wound. Do you think this hurts, how can I recover? The severity of the shock will diminish over time. You will grow out of it, there is no acceleration of this process, but in a year or two in your relationship with your friends, your work, your interests, the wound will heal.
You feel punished, you suffer from unbearable shame, but this does not mean that you did anything wrong. It didn’t seem like your ex didn’t know until the next insemination that she definitely didn’t want to, so don’t expect to be able to guess what you didn’t already know.
If possible, take a compassionate time off from work, and stay with the people who know and love you the most, perhaps your parents or one of your siblings. Let them take care of you and maybe even have people stay for a while when you get home so you’re not alone until you’re ready.
And the other person who left you is the child you dreamed of, the child and the person they will turn into. What’s Next?
You are on your own enough for your child. You will need the support of friends and family, but you are enough. Research tells us that the happiest families are not necessarily those with two parents, and that children thrive with one of them, especially with a supportive community. Socio-economic factors make a bigger difference than the number of parents a child has.
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